Anxiety & Self-publishing

“Your book probably sucks.” “No one is gonna read it anyway.” “Why did I even start writing?” “I don’t know how to do this.” “It’s never gonna amount to anything.”

I wish I could tell you those were shitty things someone else said to me and I promptly ripped them a new one and cut them out of my life. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. I haven’t figured out how to rip anxiety from my life, though I’d certainly like to. Those phrases are just a few among the many that roll through my brain on a given day because of my anxiety.

Wait. We all face doubt, right? Absolutely, we do. But this is where anxiety differs. Those thoughts begin to control me until a spiral forms. And then my chest tightens. Tears threaten. And I feel useless. The negative self-talk begins again, and I’m caught in a vicious cycle.

I’m lucky that I can mostly manage my anxiety. Usually the blend of venting to a trusted friend, listening to some really good music, and appealing to my logical side will eventually pull me out of it. Typically, that happens within a matter of hours, but as I’ve learned with self-publishing, it takes a little longer. Days.

I’m writing this now from the depths of an anxiety spiral. I’m one tiny trigger away from imploding into tears. I don’t say this for pity (I HATE that), but because I know I’m not the only one out there who feels this way.

Writing has always been the ultimate dream for me. Besides being a mom, there was nothing I wanted more. I have extreme determination with no intention of giving up. But I want to. With everything inside of me, I want to, because self-publishing, trying to be the entire business entity of creating, marketing, selling my books is the ultimate trigger. Every day. For someone with anxiety, that’s hard. No, more like excruciating.

What I see: No KU page reads today.
What logic tells me: Lots of people have already read this book, eventually more will trickle in & you had a lot yesterday.
What my anxiety tells me: This is a crappy book. Obviously people don’t like it. You’re a four-star author at the very best. Don’t bother promoting, people don’t want to read it anyway.
What happens: My author friends share other author friends posts (as they do mine) and say lovely things.
What logic tells me: Look at everyone supporting each other, this is awesome!
What my anxiety tells me: What that friend wrote is way better than your book. They don’t actually like your stuff they’re just trying to be nice. They know you can help them too, so they just pretend to like you.
What happens: I find a really cool blogger who might like my stuff.
What logic tells me: Message them, if they can’t help or aren’t interested, they’ll tell you.
What anxiety tells me: Your books aren’t niche enough. They won’t want to read them. They’ll ignore your message. If they don’t like your book they’ll tell everyone they hate it. Your books aren’t as good as what they’re reading, don’t even bother messaging them.

These are just a few examples of life with anxiety. Self-publishing and being an author has become my biggest trigger because it’s the thing I want the most. It’s the one thing I always felt like I was good at. (Anxiety right now: You’re shitty at this too. You have no place.) It’s incredibly hard to fight against it and some days I absolutely want to give up.

That’s why I’m writing this. Self-publishing is hard. Having anxiety can be debilitating. But I know I’m not the only one to struggle through either of these things or the combination of the two. If you’re struggling, too, I highly recommend finding a good outlet. Somewhere you can let go and let it out or talk it out. Find your safe space. Take a break if you need one. Focus on your mental health. Do what you need to do for yourself. But whatever it is that anxiety is telling you you’re not good enough for, you don’t deserve, I can tell you, you absolutely do.

You are enough. You deserve good things. And you can have the things you dream of.

Writing this blog is my way of giving anxiety a giant middle finger. It can’t take this from me, even if it tries.

I wish you all the best with whatever you’re working on, whatever you hope to achieve. And if you’re struggling with anxiety, I wish you strength in fighting it and encourage you seek further help if you need it.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America is a great place to find more info and support if you need it.

Until next time, take care.

What’s up this week (June 7th-13th)

Happy Monday! Here’s a look at what’s happening this week!

What I’m working on:

  • Small edits on a holiday romance I’m finishing up.
  • Playing around with potential edits for the first two books in the Friends Like This series.
  • Working on a fun contemporary romance. It’s a boy next door with a sprinkle of best friend’s older brother, friends to lovers, and second chance romance. Plus some juicy friendship stuff too.
  • Updates to the website, building the beta reading team, and (finally) making a Facebook page.

What I’m listening to:

Currently obsessed with two songs: Leave Before You Love Me by Marshmello & Jonas Brothers and Chinatown by Bleachers & Bruce Springsteen. Also editing the Friends Like This stuff, specifically the love story in it, has me listening to Friends Don’t by Maddie and Tae nonstop.

What I’m reading:

Jillian Dodd’s That Promise comes out on Tuesday so I will be reading and rereading that all week. I cannot effing wait.

What I’m watching:

Finally watching the Friends Reunion special with my mom this week!

What else?:

Crazy children. Trying to figure out the minutia of self-publishing without losing my mind (it’s not going well lol).

What are you up to this week??

Let me know and don’t forget to like, subscribe, comment, and follow me over on Instagram!

What’s up this week…

Happy Monday! Thought I’d give you all a little glimpse into what’s happening with me this week!

What I’m working on:

  • I am reading and editing the first two books in my series Friends Like This. And also working on the third book in that series.
  • Starting a new contemporary romance standalone (that will be the first in a 3 book series of related standalones).
  • Prepping an announcement about a Kindle Vella project, so stay tuned for that!

What I’m listening to:

I’m writing a lot of break-up/angsty things this week. You can look at my Instagram to see what is on repeat for me today, but in general, lots of sad, break-up, broken-hearted music. There’s some Taylor Swift in there, some Yellowcard, Where I First Found You and Wish I Knew by Forest Blakk, Driver’s License by Olivia Rodrigo, No Right to Love You by Rhys Lewis and what’s currently stuck in my head, which is I Lied by Lord Huron.

What I’m reading:

This week I’m rereading books from one of my favorite series, That Boy from Jillian Dodd. I love this whole series and the next book comes out in two weeks so this week I’m rereading That Love and That Ring. They always make me feel so cozy. Plus Danny Diamond is my book boyfriend and I love him.

What I’m watching:

I really only watch TV when I’m folding laundry. Given that is getting summer-y here in the southern tier of NY, I’ll probably be watching Royal Pains, however, summer always puts me in a One Tree Hill mood, so I might be watching that. I almost never watch new shows, although I may be rewatching the series finale of Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist. That depends if I’m prepared to sob (again).

What else?

Being a momma as always and hopefully some chill time this weekend.

What are you up to this week??

Let me know and don’t forget to like, subscribe, comment, and follow me over on Instagram!